2008 in Review: Christmas E-nnui
'Sakura tree sakura tree/Thy leaves fall at 5cm a second...'
Looking back on 2008, I’ve this one confession to make: The internet, with all its trappings of connectivity and ability to conveniently aggregate your online friends and acquaintances by relativity to your interests seems to have irreversibly broken the way I interact with people in real life; either that, or the fact that I’ve really never been much of a talker’s evident this time of the year. This really only became evident when I was forced, for the better part of a few hours, to interact over dinner with people whom, for the most part, I barely knew–what’s a guy to do?
Make small talk, naturally. It would’ve been fine had I not been averse to the very nature of the thing, and it was only much later, after a ho-hum dinner equal parts faulty airconditioning and reluctant social intercourse did I realise how far I’d fallen. There were numerous people in the place, many of which I knew to the degree of casual familiarity, yet I felt like talking to none of them.
Maybe it’s a side-effect of constantly being in contact with what is essentially nothing more than a bunch of nicknames that, with the right strings of text as prompts, reply in kind. Now, I’m not saying that everyone that I’m in contact with on the internet that I’ve not met in person are nothing more than a bunch of AI who’s passed the Turing test with flying colours–far from it, although I do have my suspicions with regards to my more prodigious peers.
I’m not proud of this at all. The problem with our fandom-linked internet existences is that it has the knack of dehumanising communication to an effortless point where someone exists in your context not so much because you care about him or her as a person, but because he or she shares something in common with you. It could be argued that ergo, it is because of people sharing something in common with us that we care about them beyond what they can offer to us, but is that really all there is to this Möbius loop?
Frankly, I’m disgusted. I used to not have this problem at all–in fact, one side-effect of having to go cold turkey from the internet in the middle of this year was increased social interaction with my housemates, classmates, and anyone who was at hand. Making friends, in other words.
But there’s new friends, old friends, new new friends, new old friends, old new friends, and old old friends. The inherent limitation of the word belies the fact that different people usually take different amounts of time to get used to and/or comfortable around, and then there’s the other, more sobering fact that there are people you will never really be able to click with on that level as a result of how the both of you are made, something hard-wired biologically more than anything.
I can only wonder where an acquaintance goes from caring (for) to sharing (information), and vice versa. The problem with viewing people in real life through the lens of the internet’s that you tend to take hobby compatibility as a given right more than a bonus; “We have something in common, therefore we can talk” as opposed to “We talk, therefore we have something in common.” Definitely not a way to end an otherwise productive year.
“E-nnui”, as per the title of this post, is my little pun of a portmanteau, a cross between the “e-” affix as in “electronic”, and “-nnui” as in “ennui“. It’s a way of describing that disconnect between communication online and communication offline, and I’m curious as to how or why does the former so pervasively affect the latter. For the divide is painful–I struggled to talk about anything, everything, and ended up not talking much as a result, knowing that each new topic with each new person would fizzle out eventually.
Maybe it’s the abrupt shift between paradigms that causes this; in the blink of an eye you go from talking to people who know everything about what you’re talking about to talking to people who know absolutely nothing about what you’re talking about, some of which whom could care less. The conversation then either turns into a hard sell where you attempt explaining your interest(s), or a hunt where you seek to pin down the interest(s) of the person you’re talking to.
As you might be able to tell, I’m fatalistic. While there are effusive, genuine people who make the tango that is talking a whole lot easier through their innate sincerity and general glow, it’s hard for the most part to get people to talk about things if they’re not interested in it. Inasmuch as I’d like to say that weatherologists are pretty common out there, they aren’t. So why talk about how dry and windy it is as of late or how mediocre dinner is if you can get someone to talk about a mutual acquaintance, the latest in politics, or something they’ve read recently?
The answer? It’s hard to get there in the first place. The internet pigeonholes us according to what we love, but the same isn’t true of real life, and what’s worse is that people don’t even try. They would rather be conversing about the dullest things possible for the sake of niceties, or they might even do so ironically, having resigned themselves to the fact that no one would find what they find interesting interesting.
Or could it just be a simple matter of prioritising one existence over the other? We all know about the people-shy sociopaths who vegetate persistently in front of their PCs, and the internet-illiterate/ignorant who treat e-mail as something to be abhorred, but what about the rest of us, the normal ones? I don’t have much in the way of ideas.
Maybe it’s bad that I don’t, for if I had the means to answer said question I know I’d take my time to getting around to answering it, procrastination being the order of the day. Or maybe it’s good that I do, since I might just be able to start the New Year by not habitually logging into Gmail through my phone while away from the PC, or mastering the art of small talk where it counts. So much for tidings of comfort and joy. What a year.
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Oh, man do I know what you’re talking about. I’ve been visiting the family for almost a week now, with relatives and old friends, and I feel like we don’t even speak the same language. There’s a cultural barrier that is probably evident, but I can’t and don’t want to explain it to them, because I’m sure it would either hurt them, or make them think of me as an even bigger freak than they no doubt consider me as.
“The answer? It’s hard to get there in the first place.”
True. It’s definitely easier to begin conversation with people when you have something easily seen in common, but is it really the best thing? I need to start being brave enough to be awkward in conversation by asking people what they like and going from there instead of making small talk with topics that neither party really cares about.
A few nights ago I had a Christmas dinner party with my wife’s lawyer friends. In this group I’m the youngest person and they tend to talk about things that are of slight interest to me. Mostly social gossip about their mutual acquaintances – people I don’t know.
One of the guys there actually watches anime! So I ask what was the last one he watched. Macross Frontier! I thought this night won’t be as difficult for me to generate conversation as with Christmases past.
But outside of him saying “It was awesome!” there was no other opening for pursuing the subject. Anime was a minor subset of his geekery, and the collective geekery in the room (mostly basketball jock types – who discussed their own games, and not the nba so leaving me with no access to the conversation) was mostly about basketball video games and super hero cartoons.
I can’t say I felt ronery. I like bball a lot and got to play videogames with them. My wife had lots of fun. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’d rather be chatting with my new aniblogosphere acquaintances. I was checking out and posting on twitter the whole time.
Ah, yes. Human interaction.
Seeing as how I’m required to adapt to small talk in a social and business context by my, well, source of meagre living, I can only say this: Small talk is not something to worry too much about.
I’m reminded of one of Stephen Bond’s essays. He compares his experiences in Ireland and Britain, where people are encouraged to talk only when they mean to be interesting, to his experiences in America. Where people don’t mind talking about completely uninteresting things.
http://plover.net/~bonds/boring.html
Granted, he’s talking about social standards of wittiness as opposed to social divides created by inclusion in self-segregating internet cultures. But it’s the laid-back attitude towards idle chat that I think applies here.
And I think all people face this problem. Which they tackle in whatever way feels most comfortable to them. I think that exposure to communities where you’ve been able to talk with genuine interest on topics has made you, well, numb to idle chit-chat.
Though there’s nothing wrong with that at all. But if you really worry about being uncomfortable chatting, there’s always alcohol. The classic icebreaker.
I do not see a problem since you are aware of your trappings. It would have been more worrisome if you were to disregard real life acquaintances because of the inconspicuousness of any common interest. As you have mentioned, which I do agree to a great extent, the Internet has given us the convenience of easily seeking out people who closely share our interests; however, reality does not allow us to jump the gun. I find the art of the “conversing” pretty much as sophisticated as the path of “learning.”
I see (with my Internets eyes) inner eloquence in you and that can be, and certainly will be in the future, demonstrated in real life as you make an effort to reach out to people in real life.
You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. I mean this in the sense that, as yesterday reminded me, I don’t have a lot of common ground with my family and as such probably wouldn’t find much to talk about if I hadn’t grown up with them. I don’t not get along with them (I consider myself to be fortunate in that we can sit in a room together without having a blazing row) but for every thing we have in common there’s another thing that sets me apart from them. Simply put, I don’t share many interests with my family any more so I can only spend a limited time with them before feeling bored and isolated.
I found a good compromise here – I live alone but spend special occasions at my parents’ place where everyone gets together for a few days before going our separate ways. I actually appreciate the time I spend with them more than I did as a child, ironically.
I guess the point of your post is that you find yourself getting along with people at the other end of a ‘net connection better than people you meet IRL. It’s sad but you can choose your online friends even more than RL ones – I feel the sharing of common interests more keenly online…which is probably because there aren’t many people my own age where I live. Deep down it does bother me I guess.
You’re halfway there. It’s only a matter of time before you realize that people on the internet are just as boring as people in real life. Sure, they can talk about anime. Then what? The fact that they like anime doesn’t make the rest of their lives any more interesting. Some guy eating a sandwich vs. some guy who likes anime eating a sandwich. Thrilling.
I’ve been to the animeblogger IRC channel a few times. It bored me to tears. I don’t do twitter because digitized small talk seems even more tedious than the real thing. I don’t instant message any other bloggers unless I’m working with them on a collaborative post.
So what’s the problem? Anime is a hell of a lot more interesting than real-time conversation. It’s meticulously packaged to be entertaining. Same thing with blog posts and comments. Thought goes into them. Conversation is just screwing around. I have better ways to spend my time (like watching anime).
Remember the shows you loved when you started watching anime? Take a moment to reevaluate them. Most of them are probably average or worse. Our standards for entertainment have been raised. Great is now good. Good is now decent. Things like small talk, which many of us never liked in the first place, are torture.
@Owen: You’re fine because you’re not an escapist.
@BK: Respond to my email you god damn tsundere.
And yeah, #AB is boring as shit 99.99% of the time (the other %00.01 is when Owen is flaming somebody and by coincidence I have the honor of witnessing it).
I can’t seem to form my thoughts into words at the moment, but at the very least this served to be an interesting read. I’m unsure of what to classify your dilemma as, but I definitely agree with it – I’ve been noticing the same thing with myself. I’ve only recently discovered the power of socializing through the internet so I’m not all too pessimistic about it, but I’m also aware of my declining RL social life as a result of it. Maybe I’ll write a post on the matter tomorrow, assuming that I find a more concise way of wording my thoughts than I did in this comment.
@Baka-Raptor: That’s true, but I think what makes talking with people in real life the suck over talking with people on the internet who like anime is that real-life’s emphasis is primarily social; you simply have to talk with certain people in a fixed location over a fixed duration of time, as opposed to the internet’s free-flowing conversation? That’s one difference I’ve noticed, at any rate.
In reply to what both you and lelangir have said, #ab is actually fine if you treat it as a… streaming ticker of lulz? Think RSS, only live. There have been some genuinely interesting moments, which brings me to my second point…
…that anime or not, it’s whether you want to get to know someone that makes the difference. #ab is interesting because I know the people there and am familiar with the rhythm of conversation; it is not interesting per se. It also helps that I use IRC and Google Talk as intended? I hang around long enough, get to know people, we give and take… kinda like real life, really, only that in this case, we’re not limited by time/space factors. All hail the internet.
(Also, when I first started out on anime I watched… both seasons of Vandread [not consecutively], Evangelion, Outlaw Star, Escaflowne… and Bible Black. They’re still great! Well, except for the last one.)
@Martin:
Same here. I can’t help but agree that it does bother me at times–I mean, our parents’ and grandparents’ generations definitely didn’t have this decadent luxury of doing so, yet they got along fine, built solid friendships… it must be the insular nature of our subculture at work, if anything.
Those of you who’ve tried to link your anime blog to real life friends and seen them all puzzled at the amount of references or memes, raise your hand. I know I have.
@Dorian Cornelius Jasper: Haha oh wow, your link. I know of a girl (she’s also a fujoshi, which doesn’t help her case–and I mean really hardcore fujoshi) who does that all the time i.e. tell anyone and everyone who’ll listen about what she thinks is her remarkably interesting life, so it could very well be that I’m also averse to that image? I must be closet British!
@ghostlightning:
Yeah, that’s the impulse I’m trying to stifle here. While I was on my involuntary internet hiatus I had the misfortune/luck of having to mix around with people I had absolutely nothing in common with, and came to appreciate them as people. Then 3 months of pure internet later and look at me! I can’t wait for school to start again. Thank God it’s only a couple of weeks away.
@Baka-Raptor: I’ve lurked on AB IRC a few times but unless there are people I know online and/or are talking about stuff that I’m familiar with I often log off again. It’s much like walking into a bar actually.
@lelangir: I’ve yet to witness Sat-kun load his flamethrower on IRC, for shame. Yeah, I should LURK MOAR. Or something.
@ETERNAL: my frequent presence online is a result of my limited opportunity for human interaction IRL rather than a cause of it, but otherwise I see where you’re coming from!
@Owen S: continuing from ETERNAL’s point, I don’t see my status as net-addict to be harmful to my offline social life…to the contrary it’s a way of finding interesting coversation when I live in a sleepy town where there aren’t many people I can converse with comfortably – no doubt things will change eventually when the job market recovers and I’m able to work and live somewhere that has a bit more youth and vitality to it. The subculture we’re in here is I guess a clique like those of small towns, clubs and places of employment are.
That said I am a bit worried about effectively wasting part of my life going between work and my laptop but I’m treating it as a temporary situation that I’m having to ride out. Feeling a bit distanced from my family is a symptom of growing up really – both my sisters are experiencing the same thing but at least we’re all still on good terms…which is more than quite a few people can hope for these days it seems.
Great post. I identify with a lot of points raised, but damn, my social life IRL is also down the drain. I’ve just graduated from uni and find myself in a work environment full of geeks (I’m a programmer BTW), yet their anime interests don’t overlap with mine as I’d like it to (most are Jump fanboys). So I keep on checking the ’sphere whenever I can, and I admit it’s a bit of escapism on my part. It makes me miserable, honestly. Maybe I’ll make a New Year’s resolution to make friends with these people.
And small talk is harder than it sounds.
Yow.
Hmmm… interesting. This used to be my problem before I started working; I remember entering college looking forward to the time I’ll meet fellow zealous anime fans, and while I did meet them early on, they failed the major subjects so I was somewhat forced to look for new company (fellow nerds omg!) lol. Now that I think about it, perhaps I was just looking for an ‘easy way out’ in socializing, knowing well that discovering common interests is the way to start a conversation, or any friendship for that matter.
I think I still struggle from this kind of socializing from time to time though, and I somewhat make up for it by asking questions, paying attention and being interested enough to either know moar, or share bits about myself. When I went to Singapore, my friend and her ex-colleagues talked about stuff I know nothing about one night at Starbucks (since it’s about their work and other colleagues), I felt out of place, and instead of pitying myself for being ronery, I actually told them I don’t know what the heck they’re talking about and asked them to explain technical jargons and introduce the colleagues they were talking about. And it was great :)
Anyways, don’t be spoiled too much by your online friends now, I know we’re great and all *cough* but as you’ve said, you’d have to get over this ‘problem’ and be the suave social guy that you were (or something lol)
That’s silly, only socializing with anime fantards. Oh, how society has fallen! It’s oh-so common for people nowadays to only interact if liken to a certain interest! “If you do not enjoy this, you could never be my friend! Not possible!” And we don’t take time to converse a little until we find something on common grounds, or at least something we can have some witty banter about, even if not agreed upon? Other than anime! For god’s sake there’s more to life than anime.